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01:55pm 10/03/2006
  Phew! For a minute there I lost myself..
So if anyone can give me any information for where I might be found or last seen, that would be great
 
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this sums us up pretty well my darling....   
08:12pm 16/02/2006
  We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love...  
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is it almost over?   
01:50pm 13/02/2006
  I either have mentstrual cramps or I have to poop.. I can't figure out which one. But I can reassure you I have some nasty pain in my lower abodomen  
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So Long and Farewell...   
08:48pm 08/02/2006
  This is it right? Its over? Because, well you know if see you again, those feelings will come back, and the feelings you gave were nothing short of amazing. Yes, my dear we had a some fucked up times, you made me think and feel things I had no idea I was capable of. But on the other side, you made me feel good, like I was infalliable and I could be with you forever. We had a love hate relationship, I needed you so badly sometimes and sometimes you werent there and sometimes you were in a pissy mood and you were complete shit. You made me realize alot of my self and my life though, which yes, I am thankful for. You had that effect on me, you got me thinking about my past and future and the present and I wanted to change everything, fix everything broken and come out vitorious. It just didnt work out that way, I have to remember that about you, no matter how fun we had, or how good you made me felt, you in the end won, you had so much control and power of me that death would be a better option that being around you much longer. I know its harsh, but its what I have to do. I need you out of my life, so I can be present in my life and live it. There is just so much to say, I mean I had a blast, yes. But it couldnt last forever, we both know this.....  
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time is going by sooo slowly...   
09:13pm 19/01/2006
  There was never any happiness until now, there were feelings parading around in mask of what i thought happy was. there were no feeling of comfort or contentedness. There were no smiles of peaceful thoughts. They were all feelings i tried to convince myself were there, like if i tried really hard they would appear. but they never did. and i did this because i didnt know what options were, or that I had a million of them. I was too afraid to close the door because i didnt know what would be behind the other one, of if there would be another one. those feelins of uncertainity made me miserable for a long time. a really long time. and i am happy now to be able to look back and recgonize them for what they were. because now...now is a whole lot different. now is full of uncertainity and what will happen next. i am living my choose your own adventure story, and it is exciting not know what is going to happen. I have what I need, and what I need is what I have always wanted. But I used to think what I wanted is what I needed. the odd thing is that I dont think i have ever been happy because I remember this feeling if i ever had it. and i know for damn sure i never had this feeling before. and when i first felt it, i was laying in bed next to him and looking at the celiling of what I now call home and it hit me, and it scared the shit out of me because i didnt know what it was. it was a totally new feeling, and i knew it was there before, in the previous months, and i wasnt too sure what i was then either.. but now. i know what it was. and now i know that i am happy.

Sometimes we need to reunite our selves with our past so we can see what we went through to get to where we are.
 
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it stuck in my damn head and has been for the past 34 hours....   
09:14pm 17/01/2006
  Origin Of Love - Hedwig and the Angry Inch

When the earth was still flat and the clouds made of fire
and mountains stretched up to the sky, sometimes higher,
folks roamed the earth like big rolling kegs
they had two sets of arms
they had two sets of legs
they had two faces peering out of one giant head
so they could watch all around them as they talked while they read
and they never knew nothing of love
it was before the origin of love
origin of love
the origin of love
origin of love
and there was three sexes then
one that looked like two men glued up back to back
they were called the children of the sun
and similar in shape and girth was the children of the earth
they looked like two girls rolled up in one
and the children of the moon was like a fork stuck on a spoon
they was part sun part earth part daughter part son
oh the origin of love
well the gods grew quite scared of our strength and defiance
and Thor said "i'm gonna kill them all with my hammer
like i killed the giants"
but Zeus said "no,
you'd better let me use my lightning like scissors
like i cut the legs off the whales
dinosaurs into lizards"
and then he grabbed up some bolts, he let out a laugh
said "i'll split them right down the middle
gonna cut them right up in half"
and the storm clouds gathered above into great balls of fire
and then fire shot down from the sky in bolts
like shining blades of a knife
and it ripped right through the flesh
of the children of the sun and the moon and the earth
and some Indian god sewed the wound up to a hole
pulled around to our bellies to remind us the price we payed
and Osiris, and the gods of the nile gathered up a big storm
to blow a hurricane
to scatter us away
a flood of wind and rain, a sea of tidal waves
to wash us all away
and if we don't behave they'll cut us down again
and we'll be hopping 'round on one foot
and looking through one eye
the last time i saw you we had just split in two
he was looking at me, i was looking at you
you had a way so familiar i could not recognize
'cause you had blood on your face
i had blood in my eyes
but i could swear by your expression
that the pain down in your soul was the same
as the one down in mine
that's the pain
that cuts a straight line down through the heart
we call it love
we wrapped our arms around each other
tried to shove ourselves back together
we was making love, making love
it was a cold dark evening such a long time ago
when by the mighty hand of Jove
it was a sad story how we became lonely two-legged creatures
the story, the origin of love
that's the origin of love
oh yeah, the origin of love
the origin of love
the origin of love
 
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07:02pm 30/11/2005
  Bleh. I got blasted with some kind of sickness that has me pumped full of mucus and that keeps me coughing like a crazy woman. The good news being, I havent smoked a cigarette in 3 days. So there are perks of having a nasty cough. The downside being, the thought of drinking any kind of cough supressant is making me want to vomit. I cant even begin to comprehend how annoying my hacking is becoming. I know its getting on my nerves.

OHHH!! Spring 2006 issue of Susurrus will be featuring my story, Six Months To a Lifetime. I will be getting published, which is something I wanted to happen since I was in second grade. And I was telling myself the entire week before it got reviewed..if it gets cut, writing will my hobby, like it always was and that is as far as it will go. But if it gets published, I know I have a gift and I will do wonders with this gift. When voting time came around, it was a tie 8 Keeps and 8 Tables, tables meaning I fix it up, bring it back next semester and get it reviewed again. My teacher was the deciding vote since she wasnt there when we voted on it intially. But the week after she said it was a keep, making it a published piece and allowing me keep writing, knowing I have talent.

I am realizing that I hate being in school. I hate being in school because I have to take classes that I could give a flying fuck about. Like history, or literature... and your thinking.. hmm well isnt she an english major? yes i know its hard to comprehend, an english major that hates literature. I hate it because I am forced to read shit that sucks, and those who think it is wonderful needs to remove their head from the anus. So if I could only take creative writing classes the rest of my college carrerr and be a creative writing major, teach creative writing, that would just make my life. I dont like doing things that make me unhappy, I get bored easily, like in history. Linden Baine Johson...blah blah blah. Me being 20 years old, know this world is fucked. It is fucked because the people of the past made it fucked. It stays fucked because, yes, history repeats itself, and the retarded fucks like W. are failing to see this and so, history will keep repeating itself and the leaders will continue being retarded. So I know history, so I am wondering why the fuck I have to continue to take it? Oh and glorious math, again being 20 years old, I live in the world of technology, I have a caculator on my cell phone and the computer I am on right now is equipped with one. So why do I need to sit through countless hours of a math lecture if what I am studying is english? "Because knowing how to solve is problem is what you will really need to learn how to do" And I say, any math I need to do, I have a caculator. "yes, well, what happens if you are stuck are somewhere, and need to do a math problem, and you dont have a caculator" If that tradedgy does occur, I will have my cell phone and use that cauculator and if I still cant figure it out, I will call someone and ask them. I think they make you take all of the these classes unrelated to your major, so you spend more time in college and they get more money. They say you have to take off the classes unrelated to your major, so you can take a class and maybe you will find something else you are interested in, something along those lines. I think its all bullshit. If I know what I want to be, then let me be it, give me the classes I need to become what I want to be. Impatient? Of course, I just hate taking bullshit classes because I lose interest 7 days in the semester and end up quit going to class because it makes me so damn miserable.

This is quite a babble. I am trying to think what is going on.

I am going home on the 19th of december until the 2nd of Jan. I am spending 7 days with my family, YAY!! and then I am going to Jeff's parents house and spending 8 days with his family. Which means, yes I am meeting the parents for the first time. Nervous? A little. He already met my family, and my family adores him. His parents think extremely highly of his ex, and since I am nothing like his ex, I am wondering what they will think of me.. hmm?

I am done, I have typed a lot.
 
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i think i have a few pictures of pink hand prints on my bum   
09:32am 21/11/2005
 


You are



 
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its too early for this shit!   
08:54am 21/11/2005
  why is it everyone comes to the first floor of the library to ask the most retarded questions? the information desk is there for that reason. how am i supposed to know where the newspaper goes? i just work here. "but the drop box says videos only" noo its doesnt say videos only, it says books only, you dumabass. "but i was told to put it the drop box that says videos only" siiiiggghh.. so i get handed this cell phone "there is a drop box on freeport and sutterville road, thats where it goes" the drop box is in the front "i was back there, there was no box" yes because thats the back, the drop box is right out front "that one says videos only" just put it in there anyway.
you fucking stupid people!!! your sole purpose in life is to make me feel smater, ive figured it out.
 
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09:02pm 17/11/2005
  Worship the new layout, its wonderful and spectacular and I hope it makes you as happy as it makes me  
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12:15am 11/11/2005
 
Your Birthdate: February 12

You're a dynamic, charismatic person who's possibly headed for fame.
You tend to charm strangers easily. And you usually can get what you want from them.
Verbally talented, you tend to persuade people with your speaking and writing.
You are affectionate and loving, but it's hard for you to commit to any one relationship.

Your strength: Your charm

Your weakness: Your extreme manipulation tactics

Your power color: Indigo

Your power symbol: Four leaf clover

Your power month: December
 
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04:46pm 05/11/2005
  1 year anniversary dinner with boyfriend: 100 dollars
1 year anniversary celebration with friends: 45 dollars
Spending the night in an adult motel with boyfriend, porn on tv and mirrors in all the right places: 62 dollars
Waking up and feeling dirty and sleazy: Priceless
 
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08:48pm 16/08/2005
  if i had all of the money right now i would be there, with you. on the rooftops of the world, counting stars, counting, numerous, numerical, unconditonal starey eyed wonder boys, on the heights of what would be our kingdom in the city. i would fall asleep to the busy street below me and wake up to world greeting me on every street corner where i would run to find myself but only find a dreamer, dreaming of far away places and forever afters that are just dancing in her head to a serande that she never stops playing  
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08:38am 02/08/2005
 

NEWS
Henry Rollins Spoken Word Shows

Nov. 09. Sacramento CA: Crest Theater @ 1013 K St

 
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Just for the record...   
08:37am 07/07/2005
 
mood: horny
Let it be known that Thursday morning at 12:42 am, Alicia Fennell was having mind blowing sex, sex so amazing it is probably illegal in most states, with her boyfriend, Jeff, the sexiest man alive
 
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08:09am 08/06/2005
  ohh shit. why am i updating this thing? i went to pittsburgh, saw the family. it was great. we then drove across country, that wasnt so great. there were fights and arguments and bickering and bitching, all that aside i had a great time. social distortion is tonight which kicks ass. i saw them in pittsburgh and now im seeing them again only a week later. yee fucking haw  
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yep thats the truth....   
09:32pm 21/05/2005
  mc17
What rating is your journal?

brought to you by Quizilla
 
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09:29pm 21/05/2005
  ill be in pittsburgh pa on tuesday morning!!! fuck yeah, i am sooo excited.  
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siiighh...   
12:41pm 20/05/2005
  Charlie
Charlie


Which 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower' character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
 
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its a quickie..what can i say?   
08:38pm 12/05/2005
  the good news is that i may be flying to colorado for a few days to see my mom and my sister and my cousins who i havent seen since july of 03. which is amazing because i have never been to colorado, i flew over it a few times, but i have never visited. its going to be nice to get out of here for a few days and have a vacation away from my life. i got more meds today, kind of like a refill to last me another 2 weeks. i dont know why he only gives me enough to last me two weeks. my old doc gave me enough to last me about 4 months and tell me to come back for a check up type thing. but everyone does things different and this is how he does it. and thats ok. school is over soon, i need to start working on my shit. i am running out of time, i just cant motivate myself to do shit. but i get to go home in 30 minutes and that is making all of the difference. prom, is soo soon. i am soo excited.  
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